Category Archives: Mootfeatures

The Definitive Guide To Being Funny

It’s really easy to be funny. Amaze your friends! Astound your enemies! Conquer the world! with this five-minute read.

1. Wit Is Overrated
The first thing about being funny is recognising the importance of wit, and the ease of getting which. Wit is all about expressing different or ironic opinions, or common opinions in a different light. As you can see, you’re actually being REWARDED for being an oddball! So, the next time you’re talking with your friend (perhaps a female friend you’re itching to make an impression on), you can try showing off your sheer difference.

Kelly: That new kid in class is so racist! I can’t stand him!
You: If chickens were racist, would they have a different burp?
Kelly: Hahahaha! I’ve never thought of it that way!

2. Talk About Sex Every Two Sentences
Face it, sex sells even more than your mother and Paris Hilton (though, meh, who said they had to be mutually exclusive?). Part of being funny is telling your friend, “Hey, I know all about sex and I’m not afraid to say so!” While relating to sex every single sentence may put your friends off, having such references every alternate sentence would definitely put you in the good books of the average school jock.

Derp, the basketball captain: And then, the teacher was like, hey, wow! And then, dude! Like, serious?
You: Oh man, that teacher is full of crap! I bet he has orgies every single day! I’ve never seen him do any decent teaching this whole year! He probably subscribes to porn! He sucks! Cocks!
Derp: Hahahaha! I’ve never thought of it that way!

3. Sarcasm 101
Don’t you listen to those sophisticated people who have a different idea of sarcasm – sarcasm is ALL about voicing out the opposite of what you feel in a jarring, arrogant way, while emphasizing random words or syllables! Sarcasm should not be confused with irony – irony is the inferior version of sarcasm that isn’t as direct, or effective. The next time your teacher asks you a question, make sure you give her hell in the form of Sarcasm.

Mrs. Pukinson: David Bronzemeadows! What are you doing??
You: Oh, MAM, I am TOTAlly not SLEEPING on the taBLE and totaLLY ignoRING YOUR LESson! I am SO SOrry!
The class: Hahahaha! So funny!
Mrs. Pukinson: Oh, Christ. I thought I was made for this job, but I’ve never thought of it this way. Damn it.

4. If You Can Make A Pop Culture Reference, Make It
It’s not called being funny if you don’t reference any popular people or objects. Common references could be metaphors or similes, but you could go for the odd alliteration or two. Save them for the class bimbo.

Eleanor: Wow, the sky is so blue!
You: Yeah, they’re as blue as that dumb doddering ducklike Dakota Blue Richards!
Eleanor: Hahahaha! I’ve never thought of it that way!

5. Flog Yourself, You’re Just A Whore With No Soul (not to be confused with BDSM, but basically the same concept)
You’ve mastered the Four Divine Rules of humour, but some people are not given to laugh easily, so some brute force is required. You must make them laugh, by relentlessly poking fun at yourself! People love senseless and inexplicable discrimination as long as it’s not happening to them, so feed them again and again! Go for race, height, age and gender – they work. Especially race.

Jack: Hi, weird Asian kid.
You *in highly-pronounced Asian accent*: Oh, gosh! I no see you! I’m so short! I almost as tall as your hip! Asians is short! Look at my slitty eyes! I no see properly! My eyes so slitty! Asians everything also small! Even penis! We Asians penis small! We Asians everything so small, so slitty! Oh, look, cat! *catches cat and strokes it* Yay! Now I need go home, tell Mama I already caught our dinner for this week!
Jack: Hahahaha! I’ve never thought of it that way!

6. Combine The Five Rules, And You’ll Be A Riot
No explanation needed.

Rachel: Hi Bobby! Did you hear that Jamie-Lynn Spears is pregnant?
You *in highly-pronounced Asian accent*: Oh, NO, I haVEN’T HEARD aBOUT that, no I toTALLY HAven’t, seRIOUSly! I mean, if a tree is felled in the forest and no one hears it, does that mean that more people have sex? I think even David Beckham could get pregnant because he has Golden Balls, unlike us Asians! We Asians not even Bronze Balls! In fact we so shitty, we even don’t have rubber balls!
Rachel: Hahahaha! I’ve never thought of it that way!

7. Don’t Overdo It Or You Look Like A Retard
There are limits to everything. You can’t be TOO funny, because being funny is, after all, a formula, and you don’t want to ruin it all by being so funny and confusing your friends.

Fabian: Dude, Zac Efron is so cool!
You *in highly-pronounced Asian accent*: Yeah, yeah, of course Zac very cool! Zac is American, unlike us Asian! Us Asian here small, there small, everything also small! Our eyes, sooooooo small! Cannot see nothing! See, our body, sooooooo small! We cannot do anything! Only American cool! American have big penis! Asian have small penis! Asian EVERYTHING small! See, the Asian everything is small! The American everything also big! Like, I go television see American, I am go “Wow! That American soooooo big! Us Asian soooooo small!” And then look at our face! Sooooo ugly! American face soooooo nice –
Fabian: Dude. That’s not funny. I’m half-Asian.

Conclusion
Being funny is way easier than most people think, but just don’t be too funny for yourself!

You: Hehehe… Asian everything also small… hehehe… David Beckham… hehehe… chicken burp… HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHA!!!!!!! Oh dear… Jamie Lynn Spears…. HAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!! *collapses and dies*

Coolness

An idiot’s guide toward being cool.

The expert

On first impression, Mooty seems like your ordinary RI student – bookish, nerdy, boring. However, that’s where you’re wrong. Mooty, with his Coolness Quotient of 189, is Singapore’s Coolest Kid (as ascertained by gameshow of the same name). In fact, he is so cool that he doesn’t even have a surname. His achievements do not stop at the national level, though – he has won various awards for Singapore in the past few Asian Coolness Championships, pitting himself against the likes of Jay Chou, Super Mario and Naruto (the names of which all happen to rhyme).

To be cool or not to be cool, that is the question,” verbalises Mooty with astounding panache. “I once was lost, but now am found; was blind, but now I see. I shall show all of you the way to success.”

The basics

Earphones

Earphones are the cool man’s best friends. It has been statistically proven that white/black cords dangling messily from your ears to your pockets increase your sexual appeal by up to 20%. Therefore, it is crucial that you keep earphones on all your life – even when you’re not listening to any music. No one would know, anyway.

Making constant references to your coolness

You know, you may be very cool, but it would be all for nothing if your friends know nothing about it. People need reminders, after all. Making constant references to how cool you are, like every five minutes, will solve this problem. Witty comments like “Wow! The night is so cool tonight! Like me!” will earn you points with even the most sour and unfriendly of girls – it will emphasise your coolness AND your remarkable wit at the same time, it’s like killing two birds with one stone! (have I mentioned that using clichéd English adages is a hit with girls who like bookish males?)

Bling / other accessories

Fake bling, real bling, it don’t matter as long as it’s a gigantic piece of emphasised metallic figure hanging on a chain around your neck. Hanging weird letters around your neck may make you seem sentimental, and that will definitely fascinate the girls. Better still are figurines of big scary monsters: girls like boys that associate themselves with big scary monsters! If only if that means that the boy in question is gutsy and all that.

Don’t stop at neck bling, though. You have other body parts for a reason. Ostentatious anklets, while not as common, will work too. Better yet: a rubber wrist band that positively screams “ATTITUDE” (or other ATTITUDE-related terms, such as REBEL, ANGST, LIVESTRONG or COOL). The more bands you embellish your wrist(s) with, the cooler you’ll become!

Having many female contacts

In the eyes of males, the more female contacts you have, the COOLER you are. So go out there and find some! You could go to Friendster and add random females, or get the phone numbers of unknown females from your primary school and input them into your phone for all to see. Your friends would positively swoon in admiration of you when your contact list reveals many Marys and Janes. If you really can’t persuade any girls to disclose their phone numbers, play dirty. Input imaginary phone numbers into your contact list under very obviously female names! Just make sure the friends don’t get to call these fake numbers, or you’re in deep ****.

Hands in your pants

It’s socially inadequate to HANG YOUR ARMS LIMPLY AT YOUR SIDES! God created pants for a reason. Every now and then, as you trawl the streets of Orchard (which is a cool place to be at), tuck your thumbs into your pants! Like other similarly cool actions aforementioned, this increases your sex appeal. It will astound and mesmerise the girls, and make the guys envious of your utter coolness! By tucking your thumbs into your pants, you’re making subliminal sexual suggestions (aha, alliteration) that will arouse everyone around you with apparent ease.

Conclusion

Do all of the above, and Mooty promises that you’ll be cool in NO TIME!

Like him.

Dreams come true!

Now, I know many of you, while skilled essay writers and all, have no idea how to write totally senseless and baseless and banal chain mails. Let mooty show you! (oh, and comment kthx! I shall improve on it, and eventually send it out. Haha.)

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