Coolness

An idiot’s guide toward being cool.

The expert

On first impression, Mooty seems like your ordinary RI student – bookish, nerdy, boring. However, that’s where you’re wrong. Mooty, with his Coolness Quotient of 189, is Singapore’s Coolest Kid (as ascertained by gameshow of the same name). In fact, he is so cool that he doesn’t even have a surname. His achievements do not stop at the national level, though – he has won various awards for Singapore in the past few Asian Coolness Championships, pitting himself against the likes of Jay Chou, Super Mario and Naruto (the names of which all happen to rhyme).

To be cool or not to be cool, that is the question,” verbalises Mooty with astounding panache. “I once was lost, but now am found; was blind, but now I see. I shall show all of you the way to success.”

The basics

Earphones

Earphones are the cool man’s best friends. It has been statistically proven that white/black cords dangling messily from your ears to your pockets increase your sexual appeal by up to 20%. Therefore, it is crucial that you keep earphones on all your life – even when you’re not listening to any music. No one would know, anyway.

Making constant references to your coolness

You know, you may be very cool, but it would be all for nothing if your friends know nothing about it. People need reminders, after all. Making constant references to how cool you are, like every five minutes, will solve this problem. Witty comments like “Wow! The night is so cool tonight! Like me!” will earn you points with even the most sour and unfriendly of girls – it will emphasise your coolness AND your remarkable wit at the same time, it’s like killing two birds with one stone! (have I mentioned that using clichéd English adages is a hit with girls who like bookish males?)

Bling / other accessories

Fake bling, real bling, it don’t matter as long as it’s a gigantic piece of emphasised metallic figure hanging on a chain around your neck. Hanging weird letters around your neck may make you seem sentimental, and that will definitely fascinate the girls. Better still are figurines of big scary monsters: girls like boys that associate themselves with big scary monsters! If only if that means that the boy in question is gutsy and all that.

Don’t stop at neck bling, though. You have other body parts for a reason. Ostentatious anklets, while not as common, will work too. Better yet: a rubber wrist band that positively screams “ATTITUDE” (or other ATTITUDE-related terms, such as REBEL, ANGST, LIVESTRONG or COOL). The more bands you embellish your wrist(s) with, the cooler you’ll become!

Having many female contacts

In the eyes of males, the more female contacts you have, the COOLER you are. So go out there and find some! You could go to Friendster and add random females, or get the phone numbers of unknown females from your primary school and input them into your phone for all to see. Your friends would positively swoon in admiration of you when your contact list reveals many Marys and Janes. If you really can’t persuade any girls to disclose their phone numbers, play dirty. Input imaginary phone numbers into your contact list under very obviously female names! Just make sure the friends don’t get to call these fake numbers, or you’re in deep ****.

Hands in your pants

It’s socially inadequate to HANG YOUR ARMS LIMPLY AT YOUR SIDES! God created pants for a reason. Every now and then, as you trawl the streets of Orchard (which is a cool place to be at), tuck your thumbs into your pants! Like other similarly cool actions aforementioned, this increases your sex appeal. It will astound and mesmerise the girls, and make the guys envious of your utter coolness! By tucking your thumbs into your pants, you’re making subliminal sexual suggestions (aha, alliteration) that will arouse everyone around you with apparent ease.

Conclusion

Do all of the above, and Mooty promises that you’ll be cool in NO TIME!

Like him.

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One response to “Coolness

  1. Okay this was quite entertaining but it would have been sooo much better if you had stopped stressing how cool you were. You should talk more with ChuanHong. He’s always sayig how powerful and handsome he is. You’ve seen him yourself, and he’s not exactly Tom Cruise. But still, he does the faux-ego thing much better than you.

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