Chapter 1

An Utterly Pointless Chapter Which Does Nothing Except To Kill The Main Character

Somewhere in a stable in Bethlehem, he was born.

They said he would be born a ruler – his parents had been noble before him.

But here he was, lying in a humble manger, bawling his eyes out as his parents shuffled towards him with irritated looks.

“And that’s another reason why I would not agree to have the baby, you silly woman!” Harry Potter yelled, pulling up his boxers ostentatiously (they had wand and broomstick patterns on them) as he stifled a yawn, before proceeding towards the manger. He had not eaten in days, and the scar on his forehead was peeling AGAIN. Also, he now had a baby to take care of. Naturally, he was not very happy about his circumstances.

“Oh, shut up, Mr Potter. You weren’t like this when you got me drunk at the alumni party nine months ago!” snapped Ginny Weasley in reply. She went to a little straw bench at the corner of the stable, reached for a small grimy milk bottle and a fistful of straw from the ground (where it was rather bountiful), and started mixing a brownish solution she seemed to refer as occasionally as ‘milk’. In five minutes, she had prepared a drink, which she surreptitiously forced down the throat of young Bob Harry Potter.

“Drink up, stupid! It’s all thanks to YOU we’re stuck here in the STABLE.” It was true: for some reason, the White Witch of the South had demanded for expecting mothers to lock themselves in Bethlehem stables to give birth – and back then in those days, the White Witch’s word was Law. Not that Harry and Ginny would have been much better off had Ginny not been pregnant.

Whoops. I see that all of you are not sufficiently acquainted with the plot! I shall conveniently assume that NONE of you have read the previous books, and thus embark on a tedious character introduction.

Harry Potter, after which this marketable children’s series was named, is a really cool wizard who wins everyone with COURAGE, BRAVERY, and LOVE. He even won Voldemort by yanking his nose three times and yelling “BOOYAH!” (and THAT was even though Voldemort was in fact Harry’s biological father – though that of course will be further explained in the thirteenth book)

Ginny Weasley is Harry’s partner. She has freckles and red hair, and more freckles. Despite this, Harry found her gorgeous and also the only sister of his best friend, and therefore found perfect license to kiss her in front of everyone, and subsequently date her. Of course, at Hogwart’s 400th anniversary alumni party, Harry conveniently spiked Ginny’s drink with a Sleeping Potion and took liberties with her. What he did NOT notice was that Ron, who had an inexplicable crush on Harry, spiked HARRY’S drink with Felix Felicis. Harry therefore got highly lucky and impregnated Ginny with twins. They immediately approached Mad-Eye Moody, who was now the leading human CT scan machine due to his eye – he told them, to their delight, that the twins were a boy and a girl. They got married, and soon after had to move to Bethlehem due to aforementioned legal guidelines.

And now, you must be wondering: if they had twins, then where is the other twin? And there she was, sleeping in yet another corner of the stable – she was Beatrix Ginny Potter. Unlike her brother, she was not crying every other second (although that might have been because Harry had fed her with a whole cauldon of Sleeping Potion the moment she was born, to shut her then-constant wails). Beatrix would be sleeping for quite long, and would subsequently be stricken with narcolepsy the moment she awoke – but don’t worry. This is NOT a potential plot hole of some sort! In fact, HER SLEEPING IS HIGHLY CRUCIAL TO WHAT TRANSPIRES IN THE LAST CHAPTER!

So anyway, I’m getting tired of writing the first chapter, and thusly shall end this quick (with a death or two, so that you’ll all be SCARED and PARANOID of red herrings later on in the book). There was a knock on the door. Ginny immediately started.

“Ohnoes! We have to ask him his security question about me or something, right?”

“Yes, Ginny. Make it quick.”

Ginny ran to the door hastily. She shouted – but there was a quaver in her voice, the one that always appeared when she asked the security question – “Name my children!”

The answer came across, loud and clear.

“You have three children. The oldest is five, and his name is Cornelius McLaggen. The next two are twins: a Bob Harry Potter and a Beatrix Ginny Potter!”

“MCLAGGEN???? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT, GINNY?” roared Harry from behind her.

“Who are you?” asked Ginny at the same time.

“Ginny… I… am… your… FATHER…” came the wheezy reply from outside.

Before the shocked Ginny could do anything, the door blasted open and Arthur Weasley strode in, beaming. “Why, Ginny! Just popped in to check on the kids, heh heh heh! They seem to be doing well!” Arthur walked over to Bob Potter first.

“Oh my God, Ginny! What a laaaaaarge baby! The boy looks just like you!” he exclaimed, ruffling Bob’s fiery red hair. “But the eyes… he has his father’s eyes!”

Harry had appeared beside Arthur, and he now surveyed the baby, in a mix of suspicion and psychotic intent. It was suddenly apparent to him that the baby – babies – looked NOTHING like him. The eyes? Bob had black eyes.

Black?

“I’VE GOT IT NOW!” barked Harry at Ginny. “These babies aren’t MINE! You have been cheatin’ on me!” Ginny whimpered. Harry brandished his wand with panache, and pointed it at Ginny. Arthur stepped in and brandished his own, and –

“CRUCIO!” Harry grinned. A trail of red smoke emerged from the tip of Harry’s wand. Harry slapped his forehead. He had forgotten that it had ALREADY been broken during his journey to Bethlehem, during the fiercely epic battle with the horde of wereapes, which is another story altogether (Harry Potter and the Journey to Bethlehem is available at major bookstores).

But anyway, Harry’s spell had FAILED, which was the purpose of the previous paragraph, so anyway Arthur used some Jelly Legs Patronus thingy and killed Harry.

Ginny gasped. “Oh my god! You killed Harry!”

Arthur shook his head. “He’ll awake mysteriously in the penultimate chapter to rush into the secret chamber and save our lives. But now, he’ll remain asleep. So now, Ginny, let us two go out of this room and find ourselves spiralling downward into the scheme of an international terrorist syndicate.”

Arthur swept a screaming Ginny into his voluminous cloak and exited the stable.

Leaving Bob and Beatrix sleeping in their mangers, as if staying behind to wait for their incapacitated father.

END OF CHAPTER ONE, which was badly written because I chose it to be. Comments any?

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4 responses to “Chapter 1

  1. …What did I just read?

  2. You have left me incapable of normal thought.

  3. normally I think Harry Potter is way too sacred for parody, but mooty, you have my blessing!

  4. Z0MGZ I AM T3H HAIRY POTTR FANBOYZ!!!111!! I LURVEDEDED IT KEKEKEKE!1111111!!!!1ELEVEN

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